of wondering when
by neverephemeral
Summary: Sigrid considered for a brief moment, walking into the lake and swimming to the ruins of Laketown, knowing very well she would tire and drown.


**Here's part 8 of the series. This one is a bit on the sad side, so be warned!**

* * *

**T**he irony that the sun was shining when Sigrid felt as if she had been swallowed by a dark hole was not lost on her. She had sat unmoving as Tauriel and Dis helped her dress, after Fili had helped her bathe; not reacting as Dis ran a comb through her long hair. Sigrid did not feel Fili's gentle fingers as he braided her hair for her, braiding it up into a messy bun, pieces of her blonde hair framing her face. Nor did she feel the brush of Fili's thumbs against her cheek, brushing away tears that had fallen.

_How was she still able to cry after all this time? How had she not spent all her tears?_

The only words Sigrid had spoken were to Fili, only three days before, as she laid in their bed. Fili laid beside her, his hand brushing her arm gently.

_I do not want him beneath the mountain, _Sigrid said, _I want him above it. I want the entrance to his tomb to be above the ground so it will feel the sun's warmth. _She did not look at him. _I want our son to know the sun, Fili._

_ It will be done, _Fili kissed her cheek, _I promise._

There was no wind that day. Everything was still and yet there wasn't a cloud in the sky to block the sun from shining down upon the mourners. Sigrid watched, without really seeing, as the small stone coffin disappeared into the rock tomb. _My little boy._

A year into their marriage and Sigrid was only able to produce a dead son. What a dutiful wife she was.

She did not have the strength to pull her hand away from Fili when he clasped their fingers together. He was his son too. Sigrid wasn't the only one to loose a child. Their little boy was buried with the wooden animal that Bofur had carved for him and he was cradled in the blanket that Sigrid herself, with help from her sister, made.

Once the ceremony was done, everyone gathered into the great hall, for a funeral feast. Leave it to dwarves to have a feast for a funeral. Sigrid did not look away from the stone wall that led to the tomb of her son.

_I am truly sorry, _King Thranduil said, _for your loss._

Fili gave a grateful nod while Sigrid continued to stare at the tomb. An apology, Sigrid thought, was not going to bring her son back. No matter how true it was.

_Come, my love, _Fili squeezed her hand, _you must eat._

_ I am not hungry, _Sigrid replied.

_Sigrid, please, _Fili pleaded.

_I want to stay with him, _Sigrid slipped her hand from his, _you go to the feast._

A month had passed since the funeral and there had been no change. Sigrid still existed from day to day but was not really living. She stayed in her and Fili's chambers, no matter how much Fili and Kili pleaded with her to leave. She didn't speak much when she had visitors and she could tell that her da was pained every time. A part of her had died with their child. A part of her was buried in that tomb with their son.

Sigrid was sitting in front of the fireplace when she heard the door to her and Fili's chambers open. She did not move to greet whomever entered, just continuing to stare into the slowly dying fire.

"Sigrid, it is a beautiful day outside," Tauriel's voice echoed throughout the room. "Let us go for a walk."

Sigrid knew it would be pointless to argue with the elf maiden. So, without speaking, Sigrid rose from her chair and followed Tauriel out the door. She did not react to the stares or the whispers that she received as she walked through the halls of Erebor. She did not care.

"Where are we going?" Sigrid asked as she and Tauriel exited the mountain.

"I thought you'd enjoy a walk down to the lake," Tauriel said, looking at the human girl, "distance between you and here."

Sigrid couldn't help but to chuckle at Tauriel's attire, her usual shades of green against her own, black clothing. Though today, she had decided on a dark royal blue gown. She would be in mourning for the rest of her life, she believed.

"Does my husband know of this?" Sigrid asked.

Tauriel nodded, "he encouraged it, actually."

"A relief no doubt," Sigrid sighed, "to have me away from our chambers."

"Only because he worries," Tauriel replied quickly, "he does not consider you a burden, Sigrid."

"A wife who can not provide a living heir," Sigrid gave a grim laugh, "sounds like a burden."

"Sigrid," Tauriel paused in her walking to look at the human girl.

Sigrid shook her head, "ignore me. Let us talk of other things." She looked at the red haired elf, "how goes the courtship of you and my brother-in-law?"

Tauriel smiled gently, a faint redness coloring her cheeks, "it goes well." She looked off into the distance, "he makes me happy."

* * *

When they finally reached the lake, Sigrid paused in her walking to stare. It was strange to not see Laketown in the distance. She doesn't think she would ever get use to that; knowing the ruins of her childhood town was at the bottom of the lake.

Sigrid considered, for a brief moment, walking into the lake and swimming to the ruins of Laketown, knowing very well she would tire and drown.

"Sigrid?" Tauriel stood behind her.

"I still surprise myself when I cry," Sigrid said, "I did not think I had anymore tears left to shed. I can't help but to think, to go over in my mind, that maybe if I did something different, he would not have died."

"It was not your fault," Tauriel said.

"Was it not?" Sigrid asked. "Is it not a mother's job to care for their child? Is it not a wife's duty to provide her husband with a child? Is it not the crown Princess' duty to provide an heir for the crown Prince?"

"You know Fili does not see it like that," Tauriel said, "you are more to him than just a duty, Sigrid."

Sigrid shook her head, "a year." She looked down to the rocks beneath her feet before she knelt and gathered a handful up into her hand and threw them at the water. "A whole year!" She screamed, continuing to throw rocks. "Nearly loosing Fili in a battle! Loosing my mama! Suffering a miscarriage!" She threw another handful. "To finally get pregnant and go full term, only to give birth to a dead baby boy!" She dropped to her knees. "Have I not sacrificed enough? I already lost one child, could I not keep this one? My poor boy!" Sobs wracked her entire frame as Tauriel knelt beside the girl and wrapped her arms around her, her own tears running down her cheeks.

"Take this pain from me," Sigrid begged, "please!"

Tauriel kissed Sigrid's head, "if only I could."

* * *

When they returned to the mountain, Sigrid stopped to visit her son, while Tauriel continued on into the mountain. Sigrid did not mind because she knew she wouldn't be alone for long. She knelt in front of the entrance of the tomb, placing a small bundle of flowers on the ground.

"Hello sweetheart," she whispered.

Sigrid was correct in knowing that she was not going to be alone for long because Fili was soon to join her. He knelt beside her, after he kissed the stone.

"I'm sorry," Sigrid reached out her hand and clasped their fingers together.

"You need not apologize," Fili said immediately as he squeezed her hand, bringing it up to brush his lips against her knuckles. "There's nothing to apologize for."

Sigrid nodded as she leaned and rested her head against his shoulder.

"We will have more children, Sigrid," Fili said.

"A boy that is a spitting image of his father," Sigrid said.

"A girl who reminds me of her mother," Fili countered.

Sigrid's lips formed a soft smile at the thought.

"When will the pain stop?" Sigrid asked.

"Eventually it will scar and numb," Fili said, "only occasionally flaring up to ache, when the weather is bad or something hits it the right way." He squeezed their hands, "one day, Sigrid, we will be able to think about him, to talk about him and it won't hurt so much."

Sigrid shifted, until her head was laying in Fili's lap, with one of his arms wrapped around her shoulders as he ran his fingers, with his other hand, through her hair.

_One day, _Sigrid promised, _my sweet boy. One day._

* * *

**_Thank you for reading! :)_**

**_-KT xo_**


End file.
